What Do I Know?

Just when I thought life is slowly getting back to normal after the Christmas break ... Then, all of a sudden ...

BANG!!!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Happy New Year!


May we make the best of what awaits us in

2010!!

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Everyone

Merry Christmas

and

Happy Holidays!

Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall,

Some say you're not fair to all,

Who before you stand short and tall.

The slightest of insecurity, you magnify;

The pettiest of vanity, you glorify.

But you are doing nothing more,

Than to make clear to us all,

Those Venusians and Martians all.

Mirror mirror on the wall,

How wise and how true,

In your reflection to us all,

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Big Trouble

If there is a time when you wish all that would happen is being peed at, or even being shitted on, this would be it ...

Of course, I would have no idea whether an elephant needs to lean on something with one leg to pee. If that's the case, the best scenario would be to be shitted on.

But then again, how does an elephant go about in dumping its pooh ... ?

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You Know ...

It's hard to be funny and humourous when your mind is jammed with non-funny and non-humourous stuff.

Hopefully, my funny bones will be tickling soon ...


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????????

Go ahead ...

... take a guess at the title of this post.

Any clue yet?

That's right ...

... it's a world SOOOO not ruled by MEN.

No Matter

Cats love mouse, whatever the shape or size ...























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You Would Know Why

... if you don't see Santa this Christmas.

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Hair Artists

Creative?



Don't clap just yet.

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I Knew It!

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!!

I've always suspect the devilish curl at the corner of their smile, the slightest tone of mischief at the end of their sentences, the almost unnoticeable naughtiness at the throws of their hands, the sways of their hairs and the ways of their walks. I should have known it a long time ago - GIRLS ARE EVIL!!!

And, finally, here's the proof, mathematically -













Know what the sad part is?

I love them just the same.



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Man!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $50.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly RM100,000.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over RM200,000.

She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.

The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

~

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED:

You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!!

Man!



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What Can I Say

... what a dumb truck.

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My Halloween

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That's right.

Blank. That's my Halloween.

But that's because we don't really celebrate the day in this part of the world. It's more like hollow wind to me.

Get it?

Halloween - Hollow wind.

Hallo - Hollow

Ween - Wind.

Halloween - Hollow wind.

Get it? Get it?

...

Never mind ...

How's your Holloween? I mean, Halloween?

Image via Wikipedia

Good Session

"I had a fight with the wife again."

"..."

"Not really sure what happened. But that was probably the fiercest fight we've ever had. Over something as trivial as the taste of her cooking."

"..."

"Probably due to the fine cooking of my mom when I was young. It's not even a criticism, just a suggestion. And Voila! War. Can you believe it?"

"..."

"Yeah, I know."

"..."

"Bumped into this old friend at the supermarket the other day. Felt like punching the guy in the face."

"..."

"Yeah, the same guy who stole my ex-girlfriend during high school. Really, should I have just punched him?"

"..."

"I know that's twenty years ago. But still, my best friend stealing my girlfriend? How classic is that?"

"..."

"Got a raise last month."

"..."

"Happy? A little bit. Not much, but a raise is a raise, right?"

"..."

"Have been thinking of changing job though. Ten years. Is that too long to stay in the same company?"

"..."

"Yeah, I thought so too."

"..."

"Well, time to go. The wife is expecting me with the groceries three hours ago. As usual, a load off my mind after talking to you. See ya tomorrow!"

"..."

At least he's free.

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Men

The thing about men is - they can make a game out of

anything ...




anytime ...

... anywhere.

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It's Not Just ...

Yeah, it's not just good for your health as Yoga does, it's also good for ...

... breaking up.

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Yoga, Anyone?

Here is a comprehensive health guide that shows drinking gives the same benefits as yoga does!!

Cheers!

Savasana - Position of total relaxation.

Balasana -- Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana - This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

Marjayasana - Position stimulates the midirift area and the spinal comumn.

Halasana - Excellent for back pain and insomnia.

Dolphin - Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

Salambhasana - Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

Malasana - This position, for ankles and back muscles.

Pigeon - Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'.

So, let's start drinking ... I mean, practicing yoga.

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OY!!!

"It's a simple game. He hits, you catch the ball. Understand?"

"Yes, coach! Catch the ball. Got it!"

"Good lad. Now go get 'em."

Whoever says it's not a physical game?

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Channel 1

"Stay green. Stay green. Stay ..."

And just as I am about to cross the the line at the junction, the traffic light turns yellow.

Before I could give thanks for making the light and hopefully in time to reach home, a siren sounds and a blue light flashes behind my car.

"Shit!"

I pull over my car.

"License please," the police officer's face is stern.

"But the light was yellow, Officer," I try to sound nonchalant as I reaches for my wallet.

"What's your hurry anyway, Son?"

"Well ... err ..."

"Well?"

"I'm trying to get home to catch Hero on TV, Officer," I sound sheepish.

The officer pauses for a while. He pulls down his sunglasses, looks at me with a straight face and slowly reaches into his pocket.

My hands are trembling slightly when he shoves this badge in my face, "If only you have this, Son," -

The officer's face breaks into a smile. Suddenly music rings from the sky. A disco beats leads to a catchy dancing tune.

"IT'S FREE!!"

I jump slightly out of shock - out of no where a group of colorfully-clad dancers appeared behind the officer and shouted.

They then break into a song and dance routine. My jaw drops.

"Over 6,000 movies - and shows to - WATCH!!"

"Anytime - YOU WANT!!"

As the officer sings expressively ahead of the dancers, my body starts to swing to the beats.

"Heroes?" - "HEROES!!"

"30 Rock?" - "30 ROCKS!!"

"The Office?" - "THE OFFICE!!"

The officer and the group of dancers singing in tandem.

"FREE!!"

This time, I'm prepared.

"No waiting" - "NO WAITING!!"

"No schedules" - "NO SCHEDULES!!"

"No car" - "NO CAR!!"

"No mail" - "NO MAIL!!"

"At your fingertips" - "AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!!"

"No fighting with the kids over the TV" - "NO FIGHTING WITH THE KIDS OVER THE TV!!"

In my professional opinion, I feel the last verse is stretching it a little bit too far. And at this stage, I think the routine is getting a little bit old. But for the sake of my wallet, I keep my smile and start to clap to the beat.

"AND HD!!!!"

The music stops.

Kneeling on one knee, the presenters stretch out their hands and look at me with the biggest grin on their faces.

I try not to burst into laughter.

It's hard.

Darn hard.

As they're finishing their routine, I am a bit relief, thinking I might just get away with this one.

But then, the officer stands up, put on his sunglasses, approaches my car, reaches for his pen and writing pad and starts writing.

"Shit!" out loud, I'm thinking.

As I take back my license, the officer hands me a piece of paper, "Check these out, son!"

I look at the paper. It reads:

Learn more at charter.net/ondemand

Get updates and fun extras on Charter’s Facebook page

Hey. CHECK IT OUT!!!.

When Where What Who

After work.





At home.





Relaxing.







Optimus Prime.

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Never!

One thing that you will never, never, Never, NEVER, NOT EVER see in this blog ...

And I repeat - NEVER here in this blog ...

NEVER!!!

... is this -













~


Welcome to my humble blog!

Coffee or tea?



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Man's Best Friends

They start training early.



It's OK. We've got your back.

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Ever Ready

Silence is buzzing around her. And she is certain silence is the only noise around, for her ears are well-trained. A cockroach could have breathed sixteen and a half feet away from her, and her ears would tip towards the cockroach's location. A mouse could have sniff its nose ever so slightly under the cupboard behind the wall over the next house, and her pupils would dilate in a split second.

A soft creak pierces through the wall of silence, as she gently pushes open the door. Her steps are light. She could have approached a leopard on a hunt and the leopard would not have noticed her when she's two feet away - within two feet, she's dinner for the leopard. As sharp as her sense of hearing already is, she tunes it up a notch higher, wary of any surprises.

As she walks to the centre of the room, she pauses. Soft as the breathings are, she sense their existence. Her heart speeds up. But before the heart beats another thud, she calms it down, and pumps her defense up, ready for the attackers lurking behind her.

Everything stay still ...

Then they make their moves.

"Hai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

This is nothing uncommon in the house of Teenage Blatant Ninja Trooper - the best Ninja training house in town.

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Easy

It's math exam. Two hours is given to complete the paper. Steve walks out of the examination hall within half an hour, whistling.











And Steve wonders why everybody fears math exam so much.



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How's Your Meal?

Be warned!






Be warned!






Be warned!






Be warned!






BE WARNED!!!

You were warned.

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Another Tough One

If you are the planner, how do you get out of this?







Just move along without hitting the pole.



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Moral Lesson For Today

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.


Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

*****

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW .......

Enough of that crap .


The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.


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One And Only

Can you blame her?

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Size Doesn't Matter

Neither does length, nor width.

Skill does.

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Be Quiet

Being the only male representative sitting in a table where he is outnumbered ten to one and when the ten ladies are talking emotionally about how a husband left his wife for another woman, there is one image that keeps flashing in his mind and stops him from offering his opinion ...












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What's In A Name?

Of all places ...

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Of Marriage And Some Wise Words?

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

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Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

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Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

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Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

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Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

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Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

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James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

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Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

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Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

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Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

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Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

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Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

~



And yes. I'm also very sure all the "Anonymous"'s are from the male species too.



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Minus Minus Plus

Q: When The Dark has a dark side, what kind of side would that be?

A: Hmmm ... negative x negative = positive. So I guess when The Dark has a dark side, that side should be a bright side. Lovely pink, perhaps?

The dark side of Darth Vader.

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The Odd One Out

There are vending machines that take your coin and give you a product, and there are vending machines that take your coin and ... well, I suspect they just take your coin.


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For The Doubters

They walk among us. They dress like us and talk like us. But if you're observant, you'll know -

They're Here!








In more places than one ...






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Happy

I guess she's ass happy ass can be ...

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Say It Loud

When customer feedback forms fail ...


















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One For The Ladies

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, then went grocery shopping, drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M, he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

~

And - this has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!


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There Is Puss In Boots

And there is Puss In Booth.

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