Quid Pro Quo

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Wow, I'll take them both. Where's the guy who owns this place, I want to THANK him?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

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I Hear You, Bro!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

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Gee, How Did You Know?

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Bob about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead?!'

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Like Father Like Son

A middle-aged couple had three beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

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Honesty Is the Best Policy

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

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Mom Knows Best ... Always

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,

Mom

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Oh Dear ...

... but isn't it strange to have your pet dog sitting behind a bike?

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So?

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"But she was talking to the doctor."

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The End of The World

Another 'The End of The World' had come and gone.

That's good, I guess.

But what do I do with these now?

Photo from http://www.randomthink.net/misc/ebay/

I hope these expiry dates will outlast the next 'TEOTW'!

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He's My Brother

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four......and we saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

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Green Green Grass of Fuel

Given the soaring prices of petrol, I'm surprise they haven't already started using cows.

Go Green!

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Hey!

Your hair looks funny.

WHAAAAAT?? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

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Feeling Hot?

YO!

Doong Doong Doong Doong-doong Doong Doong.

Doong Doong Doong Doong-doong Doong Doong ...

Ice, ice doggy. Ice, ice doggy ...

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Folding T-Shirt and Engineer

I don't think the video is meant to be funny. But I did have a hearty laugh at the end of it. Not really sure why though.

Perhaps it's the bouncy music that made me keep expecting a man with a funny hat and a cute moustache in black and white to pop into the video and show me how to fold a t-shirt; or the seriousness of the video in showing the exact measurement of each component of the contraption, and the diagram too; or the slap on my forehead upon the realisation at the end of the video of why on earth didn't I think of that. Not sure.

But I'm quite sure if I saw the genius behind this brilliant idea smiling smugly at the end of the video, I would die laughing. Don't know why, but I would.

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WHAT??

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all. Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

~

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To The Rescue!

It is a job that needs to be done. Go ahead ...

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Oops!!

A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

~

A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here."

The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."

~

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted to put on the cake.

He thought for a moment and said, "Well ... put 'You are getting older' at the top, 'But you are getting better' at the bottom."

When the cake was unveiled at the part, all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.

It reads, "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom."

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Moral of the Story:

1. Double proof read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.
3. Don't order cakes by telephone.

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The Ultimate Telepathy

See me not. See me not. See me not. See me not ...

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What's In A Name?

How you want to drink your soup?

Either way, fine by me. Just don't make a mess on the table. OK, Reese?

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Liu Xiang In The Making

I laughed my head off with this one. Hope you would like it too.

Enjoy!

Ready. Set. Bang!

Stride, stride, stride - jump!

Oops, almost fell.

Stride, stride, stride - jump!

Damn, again?

Stride, stride, stride ... Damn it, these hurdles are just hassles, why bother - Bang!

Stride, stride, stride - bang!

Stride, stride, stride - bang!

Stride, stride, stride - bang!

Stride, stride, stride - bang!

Stride, stride, stride - OUCH!

Race not over, get up, get up!

Damn, probably my hurdles are higher than the next guy - change lane!

Stride, stride, stride - bang!

Stride, stride, stride ... last hurdle, might as well give it another try.

Finally.

Damn, my hands hurt! Better not show it ...

~

The only thing funnier than the hurdler was probably the lack of any kind of reaction from those at the event.

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Jack

Chair - four legged, with a stable, raised surface to rest our buttocks on.

Chair - Redefined.

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Destiny

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. - Unknown

My thoughts?

Filthy rich.

Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will. - George Bernard Shaw

Again,

Filthy rich.

Think what you ...

Filthy rich.

Wha...

Filthy rich.

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YO!

Sexy bitch!

Literally.

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Life Is MAD

I'm not a fan of American Idols, which claims to be the biggest sensation in tv since ... tv.

But back in 2009, in its eighth season, which in the final it pitted a gay guy against a straight guy, it finally captured a certain amount of my times and attention. By then, I thought if I still didn't get into its hypes and all, I would probably look like a fool from Mars. And one season is enough for my pop cultural education.

Last night, in the absences of my favourite programs on tv, I turned to the biggest sensation on tv. And this guy caught my attention.

A certain Scott McCreery.

I'm not going to write about his voice, his stage presence, his potentials as a star or a recording artist, or his moves. And I'm probably the last person to know this, and somebody has probably written it somewhere, but doesn't he look a lot like -

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Then What?

It started with "Once upon a time", and ended with a kiss between the prince and the princess and a "Happily ever after". What's next?

Sex, of course. It's only natural. After all, the blessed couple are only humans. Consequences?

Kids, of course, followed by the mundaneness of bread and butter, laundry, cooking, changing diapers, cleaning up etc, etc, etc.

But men will be men, even if he's Prince Charming -

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Try This

How to get an amazingly tantalizing sensation between the legs -

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Be Honest

Did you click the triangle in the square?

Couldn't resist? Could you?

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If I Die Young

A good song.

A memorable first line. A melancholic voice. Poetic lyrics. Profound messages. A hanging ending ...

But I can never use this song. Not today, not yesterday, not last year, or the year before that, or the year before the year before that, or the year ...

If I die anything today, I won't die young. Simply because I'm, well ...

Not-young.

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Are You?

You would probably know him,

That doesn't really mean anything.

But do you remember him in this?

If you do, and if you're wondering why the heck you would once thought that that hairdo was cool, that would probably mean -

You're OLD!!!

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No Sense

Lines that would make no freaking sense twenty-odd years ago:

1. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

2. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

3. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

4. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

5. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.



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Atomic Bomb!

I'll hold on to the atomic bomb for you!

It started with taking the knife for you, then the bullet, and occasionally throwing in front of the bus or train will also work. As love gets greater, so has the sacrifice - it finally reaches the level of a grenade.






You know, sooner or later, somebody will make first few words rhyme, put a beat into it, and come out with a top 20 song.


Although, what good would it do if they were detonated anyway, and everyone dies?


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Quid Pro Quo

The wife was cooking in the kitchen. The husband stood beside her and was yapping away, "Slow down! Careful! The fire is too big, you will over-fry the fish. There is too much oil. You need to flip the fish over sooner. Blah, blah, blah, blah ..."

Frustrated, the wife yelled out, "Shut up! I know how to cook!"

Calmly, the husband replied, "Oh, I know. I just want you to know how I feel when I'm driving with you sitting next to me."


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